me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”