Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
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me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday