“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
(Jupiter –
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Venn
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.