If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
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The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
just having fun
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I hope this email finds you in a well
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw