The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
⛄️
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?