Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”