him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.