Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long