People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Never let them know your next move 😂
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
awkward
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy