Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more