I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!