*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
new record!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.