[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.