Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.