Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.