4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
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Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.