I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!