Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
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Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I’m giving up ice.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what