Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
WHO DID THIS?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*