The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
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Wednesday
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed