BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
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Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Put a ring on it
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…