“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.