*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
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āhave you seen the gas prices?ā no man i drive with my eyes closed because itās scary
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isnāt a kind of drink.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Remember kids, if youāre driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify ānot breast milk.ā Itās unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
this came to me in a vision
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. šš
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still donāt āhave enough timeā to stay hydrated, apparently.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder