Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.