I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Love is always patient and kind.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Every damn time