M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
That eye roll….
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer