3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
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The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.