Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.