If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
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Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.