I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Introverted vegans go meetless
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.