Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Seems kinda suspicious
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
2 years later
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.