*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Happens to everyone.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.