A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
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Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.