Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.