I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
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Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…