World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why