Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
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Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
What about a To-Don’t List?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Catering service
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!