On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
the Monday after daylight savings
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.