Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My dog learned how to text
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts