Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
You Might Also Like
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
love it when they get my name right
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!