[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Twitter is the new flypaper.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
same vibe as tangled headphones
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*