me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
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[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
“OMGJK” -atheists