[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined