12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
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*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes