my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Banana is the quietest snack
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
so much to do
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far