If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
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I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing