“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
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Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
every single time
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on