[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”