If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
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The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
i spent way too long on this
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.