According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
constantly working on myself.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
thanksgiving in nutshell
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that